| General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice. |
Yesterday, 02:48 PM
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| Registered User ?Join Date: Oct 2012 Posts: 1 | Hi there! This is the first time I have posted on a site like this, I'm hoping some of you might be able to identify with my situation, and perhaps offer some support, if not solutions to my problem. In brief, my husband, for the 8 years of our 8 and a half year marriage, has shouted at me for the slightest little thing, he is also sarcastic and insulting, swears, bangs things around, storms off and slams doors, and on the few occasions I have answered him back at the time, he says it was me who was horrible to him, when all I did, was to politely ask for a little more room in the kitchen to do the washing up, or perhaps I used the last of the butter, or moved his record player off the floor so I could hoover up, or asked the same question twice when I didn't understand him the first time, and he just blows up! No warning, 0 to 90 in a split second and back down again as quickly. You may wonder why I'm still with him, I wouldn't blame you, but the thing is, when he's not being like this, which is most of the time, I couldn't wish for a kinder, more loving and supportive husband, and once he has calmed down he is usually sorry for the hurt he has caused me, and he has agreed, at my insistence, to go to an anger management councillor, but until that happens he still thinks it's OK to express his anger with sarcasm and disrespect, as long as he doesn't slam doors, and apparently I am the only person in the world who clearly does not understand, that if you are feeling annoyed or angry then it is OK to express that emotion with the level of force and aggression the crime deserves! I am very depressed this evening, as he has ruined this, and last weekends events, both of which were special occasions, and I am in despair at the thought that I will just end up hating him, and will not be able to find my way back from that. On a very few occasions, feeling backed into a corner, I tried giving him a taste of his own medicine, and I challenged him back, and even shouted at him, and he went beserk! and recently it bordered on a physical assault with me trying to keep him out of a room with him forcing the door to get in at me. I am not a person lacking in confidence, and I am amongst those people who are bewildered at women who stay with physically violent men, my mother was one of them, and I swore I never would be like her, but my husbands verbal assaults on me hurt every bit as much as a physical blow, I ought to know, as my father started hitting me just before I left home, but it hurts so much more coming from a man who makes you love him with his kindness, and then slaps you in the face with his words. I feel like I'm on a piece of elastic with my husband bouncing me about all over the place, and the only thing I can do is disengage from him, but what kind of a marriage is it when I do that! Isn't that called passive aggressive? I don't do it to punish him, it's purely instinctive self protection, I veer away when he tries to kiss me and he gets nasty with me about that, and it's all poison to our marriage, which has everything else going for it, we don't have any serious circumstantial problems to complain about! Oh dear! I feel so down, it's saturday night, and we should be having fun together, well, it has helped me putting my feelings into words, with the hope somebody might be listening, if you can identify with any of this, please get in touch, it would help me so much to not feel as though I was battling all on my own with this. Thanks for listening Dustbin ( I'm calling myself that because of all the toxic rubbish my husband tips on to me ) |
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Yesterday, 03:31 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Beyond youth. Posts: 121 | It is no small wonder in my eyes that with all the pain out there that so many of us carry around the baggage and $h!t from those formative experiences. Whether it originated in the family from relatives that were in depression, hated their lives, or whatever, from underfunded public schools which do not have the resources/capacity to facilitate healthy socialization, work environments that encourage, competition and ranking (total bs imo), failed relationships, toxic social structures that reinforce retrogressive value systems and class hierarchies, etc, etc. There is no shortage of sources for the anger that seems to rear its provocative head in our lives. Sorry, a bit of a rant there! In your case, I would suggest couples counseling first, that way he recognizes himself how destructive his behavior when a neutral party provides constructive observations. It would also hold him to attending, hopefully. Then he may, again hopefully, get the motivation to take a good hard look at his own issues with anger and where its roots lay. There may be many more of those nights before things get better but if you invest importance in your m, as it sounds like you do, better to try the mc sooner (ASAP!) than later before the demeaning/dehumanizing behavior reaches a point of no return. |
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Yesterday, 07:26 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 32 | EMERALD i would love it if you gave a little more insight into your relationship and how you found the courage to leave after 22 years. you will know why after you read my reponse to dustbin. DUSTBIN, i am in the same boat as you are. I am fed up with my husband raging fits I am ready to end this marriage over it. My husband cannot understand why I do not desire him as a married woman should (he believes I do not have a sex drive) that is not true I have a raging sex drive, just not for him. What person want to be intimate with someone after they haved hurled hurtful, forceful and very, very, very, very angry words at you. I told my 17 year old son it is a shame I have to leave a marriage because another human being does not know how to speak to you. What is funny as hell (not really funny, actually quite sad) my husband demands to be respected by me and the children, and if i cursed at him the way he does to me there will be hell to pay. Sorry I have no answer, i know i need to leave, but Im afraid of putting the kids through the turmoil of a divorce. And i know im not helping them by staying with an abuser. If any TMI family members can chime in...im listening. |
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Yesterday, 07:36 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 619 | Quote:
The verbal abuse was hurled at our children but not as bad because they were scared. I also protected them as much as possible. Time went by & I fell out of love of course. My plan was to leave when the children (2) left for college. I had threatened to leave many times over 22 yrs. When my youngest left for college, I rented an apartment, sat him down, told him why I was leaving, left & never looked back. | |
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Yesterday, 11:43 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Illinois Posts: 48 | I dealt with TWO verbally abusive husbands...the second, who started out so much better than the first, was the worst. He criticized everything about me: my clothes, my underwear, my hair, my makeup, my cooking, my cleaning, my driving, my parenting, my interests. EVERYTHING. He was totally negative about EVERYTHING, hated everyone, and was getting more and more nasty to my daughter. I was an empty shell of myself, and I walked on eggshells constantly, felt like I was always ducking. I would walk into the house after work and he would give me looks like I was dog crap he scraped off his shoe. My breaking point came when he said something really horrible in front of my daugher, said to me but aimed at her. At that moment I knew I was done. I got out. This website was very helpful to me: Welcome to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site|Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)! I hope you find the strength to get out, I know firsthand what a horrible example this is for children. |
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Yesterday, 11:59 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 2,184 | Okay, I have typed this opinion in MANY threads, it seems to be like a plague. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER with some NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES. He runs hot and cold. Rages for no apparent reasons. Will blame YOU for the rants. Won't let you fight back. Do you walk on eggshells due to his mood of the moment? Basically, this man is a bully and a coward and you have every right to get the hell out of dodge. He is not going to change. I was raised by one of these bullies. My childhood was hell and I spent years on therapy over it. Who calls their six year old daughter a c*********? When my dad pulled up in the driveway after work, us kids would actually run and hide because he would stomp in complaining about traffic, the weather, you name it. He would look for things to yell at us about. So yes, I can relate. Try not to let him damage your soul. Don't let him isolate you from friends and family. Every time you "let things go just to shut him up" your resentment will grow until it's overwhelming. I'm glad you came here and reached out. That means you see the problem and you know who to blame. My mother still thinks there is hope for my father. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Take care of yourself. This self-hating monster will take you down with him only if you let him. Keep us posted on what is going on okay?
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Source: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/57598-verbal-abuse-can-you-relate.html
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